MICHAEL COULTER

Dr. Stage Fright
Or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the audience
Issue date: 7/26/07


Recently, a friend of mine called to ask me about public speaking because he has a presentation in a couple of weeks. I was sort of flattered and somewhat confused. I suppose he assumed that because I do stand up three or four times a year,

I could give him some tips. Trust me, I'm fairly sure he doesn't want his presentation to be anything like my little routine unless it's some sort of presentation about pornography. Nevertheless,

I made an effort to round up some tips for him just to make him feel better about it. When it comes to public speaking though, probably the best solution is to just suck it up and get it over with.

I couldn't really offer that as my only advice, so I did some half-assed research to at least give the illusion that I tried. Somewhere along the line, I figured I might as well make it into a column ... something about killing two birds with one stone while I have one in my hand and two in the bush ... that doesn't sound right. Anyway, I finally came up with a list of tips for the poor bastard.

Many folks out there insist the most important thing is to be prepared. Well, you know what? If it's good enough for the damned Boy Scouts, it ought to be good enough for everyone. The best way to prepare is to know what the hell you're talking about to begin with and then just talk about it. It really bugs the piss out of me when someone gets up to give a speech and then basically reads from a piece of paper. If that's all you're gonna do, then just make a freaking handout and sit the fuck down already. Reading aloud isn't giving a speech.

A large part of being prepared is practicing. I usually do this while I'm showering, driving, or doing housework. Just run through it in my head from start to finish over and over again until I know it by heart. Some folks will tell you it's good to practice in front of a mirror, but that never worked much for me. The first time I was about to do stand up, I held a wooden spoon in my hand and stood in front of the mirror working on every little gesture and word. I felt I looked like an idiot. This is because I did look like an idiot. Actually, all it really gave me was a splinter from the spoon and a sense of impending doom from my reflected image.

Also, remember that there actually is an audience in the room, and the presentation is for them. There's that old hint that it helps if you imagine the audience members in their underwear so they are less intimidating. This is a sound philosophy if you're talking to a room of aged, unattractive bankers. If, however, you're giving a talk to a roomful of supermodels, this is not a good approach. The audience should pay attention to you because of your intelligent lecture, not because you have an erection. I find it easier to picture everyone dressed in one of those old fake gorilla suits. There's no reason really, those things just always make me smile.

It's also a good idea to keep the whole thing as brief and simple as possible. Try to remember what it's like to be an audience member, and remember how you basically begin to zone out three or four minutes into the deal. Other people do this as well. Most folks have the attention span of a house fly during a presentation. Remember what that's like, and take it easy on them. Nobody probably cares about it nearly as much as you do.

It is also important to act confident. This doesn't necessarily mean you should threaten to kick someone's ass if they aren't paying attention. Confident is one thing, but confident and psychotic are a completely different animal. Speak in an audible voice and stand up straight first. If those two things aren't working for you, then it may be a good idea to offer an ass kicking ... but still, probably not.

It's also a good idea to use humor whenever possible. This is something that I often fail to do in my stand up routine, but it's still a fine idea. If you choose to tell a joke, remember it's probably a diverse audience so use a joke that works in that setting. Your goal is to give information, not to offend people. That's what stand up is for. If, for some odd reason, you're speaking at an Aryan Nation rally, this isn't quite as big of a deal, so pretty much anything goes. Actually, probably not best to talk to those people in any way, shape or form.

There are far more tips than this, but that's probably more than anyone actually needs. The last thing you need to worry about in front of a crowd is more things to worry about. Like I said at first, just suck it up and get it over with. When it's over with, you can finally sit back and relax, knowing your job is complete. After that, if you begin to get bored, then it's a good time to imagine the audience is naked. It's much more fun to do if everyone isn't looking at you.